I remember my dad telling me that getting old feels like your body having weird pains that you end up sitting around strangely talking about with other old people, but that your insides, your mind, feels always the same, ageless, because when you go to look at what age it seems like, there's nothing there. Also, he said time would go by so fast and that I wouldn't believe how fast it went. He would run through all the ages he was, and all of the events he had in an effort to illustrate the woosh. I wanted to believe him but how could I know? He said his grandpa told him the same thing, and he didn't know then either. He was right, as I will be, telling my progeny.
Except he would say his back hurt. Not too interesting. While my middle finger hurts, I must say. Unfortunately I haven't yet found the source or the calling, it remains that when I reach too far with my left arm--like into the bottom of my clothes hamper that's over half my height, for instance--that I get the sensation that whatever connects my middle finger to my body has shortened and pulls so tight inside that it renders my middle finger numb.
This is a new definition of 'tightly wound" and did we even consider that 'wound' as in spun-up has the same literary appearance of a gash or gaping owie. Riveting.
Next on my list of wounds I leave at the doorstep marked 'getting old' is indeed one at my lower back. It's swimming, the hurt fish back there. Only in the morning when I wake and go to twist myself out of bed does it grab me and insist I straighten my legs first before the roll lest it tear me in half. I suppose occasionally when I go down for the night and inadvertantly twist in the process it stabs once to let me know it's in charge. Remarkable pain. I am so in disbelief of it's force that I allow it to continue. In a way it keeps me fresh. My very own self-avowed shock treatment.
I listened to Caroline Myss on intuitive healing just because I'm as curious as the day is long, and the only thing I remember is that lower back pain is often related to giving away your power (or your power being syphoned away). Handy information. What an opportune time to work magic. I've attempted some energetic cord-cutting rituals usually conducted by someone trained to do this and experienced varying success. At first, it worked immediately. That day I twisted and shouted all over the place with nary a lower back squeak. But, the pain came back a few days later. Maybe it's something I have to do every 3 days, I dunno.
What I do know it that I need to keep moving, move through it, talk, sit quietly with it feels right and not because something is zapping me into submission. I listened to David Goggins, also a name like Carolyn Myss, synonymous with force. God would I love to put together a party with all the outliers I collect in my brain, play a few ice breakers, conduct a white elephant gift exchange, and just generally stage regular people in a room with folks that are anything but regular. I wonder if they could take it. I wonder if their collective gathering would shoot the roof off my house.
Anyway, David hobbles running. He's like fuck you legs, we're running. Rather extream but I think it's necessary. Somebody's gotta push it so far so we know where the edges are, might as well be David. What generosity. So David has is covered but I do channel him a bit when it comes to extending my middle finger, not in an offensive way, you know what I mean.
All the best with your exercisms today in pursuit of the truth.
-mp